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Friday, April 04, 2008

Fat, Unhealthy, and Old

Folks, it's true. I am officially unhealthy and overweight.

I got my medical report this week. My BMI shows that I am mildly overweight (normal is 18-25, I am 25.3), I have moderately high levels of "bad" cholesterol, mild hypertension (overworked heart), and slightly elevated levels of potassium in my liver (I honestly am surprised my liver is still actually THERE).

In fact, the only good things in my report is that I can still surf porn from one end of the room (eyesight perfect), piss with relative ease and sometimes pleasure (kidneys A-OK), and I don't have Syphilis.

The report recommends me eating less and exercising more. Well, DUH. My visions of dying in the office from a heart attack and negligence from my colleagues who will draw straws to see who has to give me CPR while I'm frothing at the mouth and going into convulsions - all because they didn't attend the AED (automatic defibrillator) demonstrations - is becoming highly plausible.

posted @1:37 PM
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