This is HILARIOUS! Can't believe a bloody Singaporean got so much time... his grandparents are DAMN funny!!!
posted @4:48 PM
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Uh... like WTF??
I just have to tell you about Gerald. Back in the days in the Honours Room, Gerald was this poor guy who was completely inept when it came to social skills. He kept calling and emailing the girls, he wrote fantastical stories on the whiteboard with his classmates as the characters. If you were nice to him, you usually ended up being something glamourous like a pilot or action hero. If he had romantic interests in particular girl (he had 7 of those in class), she'd be the heroine or the damsel in distress. If you were an intolerant boor you'd be dead. Horribly killed by a falling dumpster while falling out of a burning plane into a lake of volatile chemicals. I was usually a policeman. Probably cos i dressed like one.
So all this time i thought he just needed to talk to someone. Someone to listen to his 30 minutes of non-stop rambling on the new military weapons recently acquired by North Korea, or how Melissa Pinto from godknowswhere has colored his sad sad life - poor girl doesnt even know he holds her in such high regard. But now...I think he's found a friend! He CC-ed me and emailed Andy this email from HIS HR manager:
hi! Gerald
How are you doing?
On this happy occasion, I would like to wish you A day filled with Promise... A year filled with Success & Happiness!
Have a Spectacular Birthday!
Taking this opportunity, I would also like to share with you the following...
Famous Birthdays on this Day in History:
02/07/0419 - Valentinian III, Roman emperor (425-55) ... this list goes on for 230 lines!!!)
Warmest regards Chiu Bee Kuan Human Resource Executive
... someone as weird as Gerald. That's a thought. Or maybe he's just hinting that it's his birthday and wants to be invited to Andy's wedding. Still so, so sad....
posted @3:30 PM
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Tuesday, June 27, 2006
How i wish i could write like this.
I like escalators because they don't break. They can only become stairs. You can't say Escalator Temporarily Out of Use. You can only say Escalator Temporarily Stairs. We Apologize For The Convenience.
Dogs are forever in the push up position. "Drop and give me twenty, dog. I know you're ready!"
I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. You got your own thing goin'. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
- Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) *note: stolen from someone's blog.
posted @1:08 AM
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006
I SO wanna open a shop like this one day. It's my life goal. Right up there with being the world's most qualified Starbucks Coffee outlet and/or regional manager.
:)
posted @1:54 PM
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Thursday, June 15, 2006
Music Ministry!
yeah, so here i am bloggin about the MM session i attended tonight.
I must say i was very impressed with the guys and girls... they were remarkable tonight, the band was on the mark, the harmony was perfect for the girls, and michael, mello, michelle and Char did especially well to lead. I was very proud of them - not that i am in any place to be proud. It's amazing that they took their fellowship together to a new beginning, to new heights. Instead of a "concert", they made the session more meaningful. I think that is a magnificent feat since personally i think that MM has been fighting to get that message of praise through music, but somehow the notion of a "concert" seemed to centred on talent, ego, and performance rather than on being instruments of God. And tonight, they pulled it all together.
If anything, i've come to realise that no matter how ever we mis-conceive of Him, or disagree about social/earthly rules and doctrines, it's in these times and in your music that I really felt the true love and nature of God, something incomprehensible by our feeble little minds, yet something that can never be taken away, no matter how much we falter.
I think you guys and girls did well, and I'm pretty sure God is very proud of you. I know I am. And I am inspired. Thank you.
in the quiet in the stillness i know that you are God in the secret of your presence i know there i am restored when you call i wont refuse each new day again i'll choose
in the chaos in confusion i know you're sovereign still in the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will so when you call i won't delay this my song throughout my days
there is no one else for me none but Jesus crucified to set me free now i live to give him praise
posted @2:02 AM
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Monday, June 12, 2006
Yup. The Social Sciences are a perilous job. especially when your superstitious respondents make you gulp down some "holy" water that has been sitting in a bowl with a weird-lookin' rock in it. You can clearly see aliens and foreign elements (I'd say mostly Chinese nationals) dust particles from beyond traversing the watery space around the planet "Lingam"... and you have to gulp it all down cos the old dude thinks its some super power. I mean, yeah far be it for me to deny the existence of The Almighty, but heck! - food poisoning is NOT my idea of a fun and fruitful way for express passage into heaven.
It's also scary when some people can defend the sexual scandals by their spiritual leader by actually acknowledging those scandals as true, and arguing that it's holy on the basis that our judgments are clouded by the western judeo-christian ideal that divine is the antithesis of sexual action. (That is, to be divine is to be pure and virginal, to be sexual is to be sinful). The scary thing is that this guy believes it through and through. His brother apparently has had his.. um.. .appendage fondled by this leader... and he felt "a great energy surge through his body.. and he knew his bad karma was set free." Heck.. is that what they're calling nowadays? I feel a great energy when i get an orgasm too! "...Ohh honey i had a multiple karma just now!" Must be my "Karma"... Sheesh.
posted @5:47 PM
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Thursday, June 08, 2006
Twangster!
Introducing Twangster!, the new online social network for people who like to make plans with friends then cancel! Perfect encription software enables you to post your schedule, bulletins, make plans, add groups online for the ease of meeting up and making plans with friends, families, and pets. A password protection system hides a locked section with your real schedule, so can twang your friends! Join now!
The concept is the brainchild of two cousins, Shane and Jay Pereira, who were fed-up with their other cousin (from Shane's Chinese mother's side) who kept making plans and twang-ing them at the last minute. Their philosophy? Do unto others before they do it to you! Also, if you're gonna play someone out, do it with style! With this site, there will be no hassles, no accidental revelations, and of course, you can always blame the website*!
Join now and be the first of privileged few to post your very own poetry about one of the founding members of Twangster! ~ The pioneer Twangster himself, Wesley aka "Vesley"! Some samples:
Vesley and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
jill came down, vesley was not to be found cos in the end he actually TWANGED her
there once was a man named vesley , who made plans with almost everybody.... but when the date came... we didnt hear his name... why? cos vesley twanged us and never came!and many many more!
Had an experience with a twangster before? Share your experiences with us! Click on the comment box and bitch away!
*Wesley is wholly responsible for any slanderous material, poor language translation, or lapse in service on this site. Really!
posted @5:40 PM
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Wednesday, June 07, 2006
The UnXpected Rock!!!
I remember when my cousins and I first became fans... we were screamin and head bangin at every song (oklah, that last one a bit overkill). My cousin kept laughing and "whoo-hoo"-ing. In fact, he sounded like he was singing "hee hee!" in a michael jackson song that Shirlyn dubbed us "The Hyenas". How flattering. But Hey, at least we got soundgarden's spoonman dedicated to us! Heh. Should like to go down and see 'em again, especially since EIC is taking a break and they'll be playin more often!
Now playing at Wala's three times a week - Thursdays thru Saturdays. Be there.(Or not.)
posted @1:05 PM
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Monday, June 05, 2006
YaMAhaaaaaaaa.a. CRASH..poooof... bump... splat. OOOo that felt guuuuuudddd...!
The new safety bike ASV3 from Yamaha... an airbag pops out from under the seat to protect your b...um, crown jewels in an accident. Now seeing how like SO "MANY" peeps - maybe 2 people out of 3 billion - who are involved in bike accidents split their groins on the front of their bikes, what use is this shite???!? I'd think a parachute or a cord that slows your over-the-top flight (especially for pillion riders) would be a better idea! Or this kind of airbag for peeps who ride BICYCLES cos of the high bar that almost every guy has experienced grinding during a sudden jam-break... ouch! Maybe ASV3 stands for Advance Sexual vehicle (3)... to give you that nice cushiony feeling. Some manufacturers seriously have too much time on their hands.
Also...
Durex "Little Gem" G-spot stimulator!
.... and please tell me these things don't look like freakin phasers out of star wars... more like toys for the boys... hmmm maybe a concept not too far off! By the way, for those interested, they're selling it at Watsons for $160 a piece... and when you're not using it your boyfriend/husband can use it to blast Klingons and nasty neighbours to minute particles.
posted @10:15 AM
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Sunday, June 04, 2006
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
posted @12:14 AM
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Friday, June 02, 2006
The Classic... Thumb Wars!!
posted @3:57 PM
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Thursday, June 01, 2006
Vinum Missae: Stupid cats
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
posted @2:08 PM
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Come on lah this is like damn funny if you like Star Wars...!!!
posted @1:51 PM
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The Shane Man® - Leader of the Largest Nation in the World.
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