Tuesday, June 27, 2006
How i wish i could write like this.I like escalators because they don't break. They can only become stairs. You can't say Escalator Temporarily Out of Use. You can only say Escalator Temporarily Stairs. We Apologize For The Convenience.
Dogs are forever in the push up position. "Drop and give me twenty, dog. I know you're ready!"
I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. You got your own thing goin'. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
- Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) *note: stolen from someone's blog.
